HEY GUYS!

So, I never ever ever use Xanga anymore. I apologize, but I'm still writing... only on Myspace! (I converted. I'm guilty.) LOTS has happend. Conner turned 3 in APRIL! AAANND I'm 7 months pregnant with BABY NUMBER 2! It's a girl! ....Ready for the big shocker? I'M MARRIED. Yeah, Trina. Who would have guessed it, right?

Anyways! I'm still writing and what not. Feel free to add me on myspace. It's private because there's a few creeps that I don't want to see it.. but unless you're one of them, I'll add you.. no matter who you are!

www.myspace.com/undercover__slut

LOooooooooooVe, Love, love!

it's 2am and i'm bitter and cynical.

it's 2am and i'm bitter and cynical and more awake than i should be. i'm drinking coffee, which i shouldnt because i have to wake up early. i'm cold and i want to get a sweatshirt but i'm too lazy to go get one from upstairs. i don't feel good because i drank way too much, way too fast last night and i'm still feeling the agonizing aftermath of it. i'm texting a boy that i should not be texting because everytime i talk to this boy all these weird, undiagnosed, confusing, "i dont know what the fuck this means!" feelings, thoughts and emotions start invading my brain.

it's 2am and i'm bitter and cynical.

the song that i have on my myspace right now is one of "those songs". you know. one of "those songs" that you listen to and it just.. hits you. right there. right in the right place. that little place in the pit of your stomach. it goes in your ears.. travels down to that little, tiny, miniscule part of your stomach. it hits that and then it travels up to your heart and makes it skip a beat and back up to your brain to trigger some sort of memory. feeling. emotion. thought. something. anything.

the song hit me and it made me start wondering. not about anything specific, really. but just.. wondering. it's human nature to wonder. it's normal. it's expected. it's almost required. and i think that we get so caught up in the wonder that we forget about the doing. we forget that we can do what we wonder about. we can get what we want. well, we might not actually GET what we want.. but we can fight like hell for it. everyone does it. everyone wonders. they think. they worry. they wish. they want. we wonder.. we DONT do. when do we stop wondering and start doing? do we ever?

why are we all so scared to "do"? we sit here and wonder. we wonder like hell. there is not one human being on this entire planet that doesn't wonder. but out of all that wondering going on.. there's no doing. why the fuck are we so scared? what are we scared about? rejection? failure? so, is this what we're just going to do for the rest of our lives? sit and wonder because we're scared of rejection?

but here's the thing.. with all this built up "wonder" comes hope. if you wonder about something enough, think about it everyday, ponder whatever it is that you want.. if you do that enough.. you start to get hope. hope that there's the tiniest chance that it just might work out for you. and you always have that thought in the back of your brain that "maybe this is your day" or "maybe god is going to shine on me today". but we never act on that. we have that hope pulling us one way and our fear of failure pulling us the other way. why? why do we always chose fear over hope?

but then again, maybe that's just how we're made. maybe we like the pain. not like it in the way you like kisses, hugs, sex, etc. but maybe we need the pain. without the bad, you don't know the good. without the pain, you can't feel the pleasure. without the fear.. you can't have hope. you know, there's a saying that i never really understood until right now: "why do i keep hitting myself with this hammer?"

because it feels
so damn good
when i stop.

its been about 18 years since i've updated. sweet. go trina.

i'm sitting at carmen's house updating because i dont have the internet at my place.  [oh, btw? i moved out. i got my own apartment.] she's upstairs sleeping because she had a long night last night that consisted of molesting the carpet and humping my door.  can someone say: she was rolllllin? hahahaha. it was fantastic.

lately, i've been making some bad decisions. and i've been making some good ones.  and i've recently decided that i'm not going to stress over decisions that i make.  everyone makes them.  everyone has to make them in order to live. and no matter how good of a person you are: you're going to make bad decisions.  and i'm, most definately, not one of the "best people" in the world. so, fuck it.  why waste time worrying and regretting "bad decisions" i've made?  even the best people make them.. so, of course i'm going to.  right?

i lost of my best friends. i'm not sure why. he got pissed at me because.. i dont even know why.  if i did, i probably wouldnt be sitting here writing about how i lost him, now would i?  but i am because i can't figure out why he's so pissed at me.  we were fine at the beginning of the night on friday.. and by saturday morning: "he was done with me".. my guess? i was in bed with kris and that pissed him off. we didn't have sex  [we dont have sex at all, actually.] but we were "in bed".. and, i think, my friend doesn't know how he feels about me.  or he does, and he just wont accept it.  he tells me he just wants to be friends. fine with me.  we've been "just friends" for going on 5 years now.  but if that's not how he feels.. he needs to tell me.. or else this shit is just going to keep happening.  and i can't handle "losing him" and "getting him back" all the time.  it needs to be one way or the other.  i dont want both.  i can't handle both.

i realized that life as an adult sucks.  i woke up the other morning and got excited because i had dishwashing soap.  life as an adult isnt all its cracked up to be. believe me.  skinned knees.  learning to ride a bike.  losing your crayons.  trying to beat the kid next to you to the swing at recess.  versus:  working.  getting enough sleep.  rent.  cell phone bills.  having enough money for food.  cleaning your house.  landlords.  and we thought life sucked when we were kids?  we had no idea back then.  we're adults now.  when did that happen?  and how can we go back?

i'll update more asap but im gunna go upstairs and lay in bed with carmennnn.   neither of us really got that much sleep this weekend and we have to be at court tomorrow at 9 in the morning.  we're witnesses to a crime.  fabulous.

i can be the first to say that growing up is NOT easy. we all hold onto things that have happend to us. we wonder what's going to happen in the future. we sit there and worry about moments in our life that might have turned out diffrently if we would have done this or that. we wonder if people that we've lost touch with will ever come back. we wonder if our broken hearts will ever be fixed. we worry if we'll ever find love. we see people and wish that we could have what they have. we worry if we'll ever be able to forget something bad that's happend. we wonder. we worry. we wish.

last night i laid in bed and thought about the last few years of my life. the important years. the years that have really had major affects on my life. i thought about choices i've made. good and bad ones. i thought of mistakes i've made. i thought of the moments in my life when i knew i did the right thing. i thought of some decisions i made that if i might have made a different one.. my life would be totally different right now. i thought about everything and i realized that THINKING about the past and WORRYING about it and WISHING that i'd done this or that differently.. isn't going to do anything. wishing that i'd made a different decision isn't going to MAKE that decision happen. i already made that decision and there is absolutely nothing i can do about it.

i finally realized that i just have to let go of what HAS BEEN and look ahead to what CAN BE. why sit in the past wishing that i would have done something different when there's a whole future waiting for me to make the decisions i wished i had THEN... now. i might have made the wrong decisions in the past but that just made me know which decisions i need to make in the future: dont fall for dumb lines. dont care about what people say. dont wait around for someone who's not willing to wait for you. dont go against your instinct when it's telling you NO. dont worry about what people think of you. dont do the things that you've done in your past that you regret.

that's the amazing part of having a past.. you know NOW what you should have THEN. if there's something that you've done in your past that you regret.. you've just learned an important lesson that you will remember for the rest of your life. forever you will know NOT to make that decision again. and you have to think about it that way: anytime you've been hurt in your past.. it just teaches you how to NOT get hurt in your future. yeah, it hurts now but it's going to make sure you dont hurt again. and it might seem like that pain is NEVER going to go away but someday, eventually, even if it seems like it takes forever.... it WILL go away.. and just think... because you got hurt in that way... you wont EVER have to do it again because now you know.. and you won't let it happen again because you know damn well that you don't want to feel that way again.

i've learned that i need to get out of my past.. look towards my future and know that everything really DOES happen for a reason. so i don't need to hate myself for the mistakes i've made.. i just need to forgive myself for growing up.

hi, my name is trina and i never update?

i don't really know what it is about xanga.. but it's just lost its.. bang. myspace has slowly taken over the world. which, btw, i'm definately not complaining. i love myspace. but it's a little sad that a site that's basically just a popularity contest: who's on who's top 8, how many comments you have on your pictures, etcetc.. has over-ridden a site that's about people's thoughts and opinions and feelings. welcome to the world, though, right? get a celebrity and a philosopher together... who would YOU rather pay attention to? ohwell. that's just how it is.

i don't really know what to write. first off: i havent updated in about 4 thousand years and to write everything that's happend.. haha, yeah right. NONE of us have THAT MUCH time. second off: i have alot on my mind but i don't really know how to put it into words. and one of the number one reasons why i havent updated my xanga? my xanga is being monitored by.. ugh, my friend's parents..!?! which, i don't really care about. scratch that: i don't care AT ALL. but it just makes writing freely harder because it's always in the back of my head. "they're reading this." "they're reading this." "THEY'RE READING THIS!!"

hi, welcome to trina
NOT GIVING A FUCK.

your kids are going to be friends with me no matter what.  so go ahead and read my xanga and go ahead and tell your kids that "that trina girl is bad news because she says the f-word in her xanga and talks about innapropriate things" because you know what?  THEY DONT GIVE A FUCK... if they DID, they wouldn't still hang out with me, now would they?  and you know what?  my xanga is about MY LIFE and if my life consists of "F-WORDS" and "INNAPROPRIATE CONTENT" [which it definately does. haha.] then that just fucking sucks, doesn't it?  looks like your kids are going to be hanging out with an "innapropriate f-word-addicted" girl.  sucks to be you.

and just to end this with a bang:
fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck.
sex. alcohol. lies.
FUCK FUCK FUCK.

now that i got that off my chest, i feel much better. and i'm sure alot of parents do too.  have fun talking to your kids about me tonight.  they won't care either.

ummm. i have a problem? uhhh. i THINK i like this boy. like.. ugh, i dont know.  ksjadhfliaurgdfg. i.... like. god, i can't even fucking put it into worrrdss.  i dont think i like him.  like.. i love being with him. and hanging out with him.. and he's like.. the nicest guy ever.  but like, i never thought i liked him... LIKE THAT.. but like, i get.... jealous when he's with other girls...? aksjghlaeukghakdfg ugh, i dont even knooowww. I HATE BEING CONFUSED. especially over boys..!?! ew.

wow, i said "like" ...like 400 times.

i need a cigarette after that little rant. haha. and i'm going down to marysville with the love of my life, AARON and he's taking me to some.. carnival.. festival.. thing. i'm sure there will be lots of pictures.

OH, speaking of pictures. i got tonsss. here you go, loves:

mine and carmen's outfits for the mardi gras dance. hahaha

our outfits for the BOOTCAMP dance. haaaaa

MY outfit for the black and white dannnce.
[ps -- our all county dances are fuckin' BOMB. if you cant tell by the picturesssssss.]

me and carmenbaby [of course]

my hair is turning brown. saaaaaaad. =[

ANOTHER mardi gras picture. carmen, samm and meeee.

hahaHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAaaha.
best picture of my life: derik, carmen, jordan and meee.

me and jordan again at his graduattioonn. awwww.

me and KATTT at her grad parttyy.